Marois' election performance proves André Boisclair is political genius

MONTRÉAL -- Experts have been unanimous in praising the political savvy of André Boisclair and his ability to run well-organized election campaigns, since Pauline Marois' defeat on April 7.

As Parti Québécois leader in 2007, Boisclair won 33% of the vote and 36 seats, which at the time was the sixth-best seat total in the history of the party.  Last April 7, Marois won only 30 seats with 25% of the vote. 

"André Boisclair was clearly one of the great political minds of a generation, able to deliver many more votes to the PQ than its current leaders," said Marc Blanc-Bleu of the political science department of UQAM.

Pauline Marois was asked for comments but was unable to be reached from beneath the rock where she was hiding.

ELECTION NIGHT LIVEBLOG

-- Marois admits: "Quebecers love hijabs"

-- Huge CAQ wave pushes Legault to exactly where he was when he started

-- Early results pour in as vote-counters want to go to bed early

-- Couillard on election campaign: "Well, that was easy"

-- Director General of Elections encourages Quebecers to vote: "Every vote counts (except for Green Party)"

Jannette Bertrand's swimming pool declared Islam's third-holiest pilgrimmage site

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA -- Janette Bertrand announced today that the Government of Saudi Arabia has recognized her apartment complex swimming pool as Islam's third-holiest site, after Mecca and Medina.

As a result, Ms. Bertrand's swimming pool is expected to be visited by hundreds of thousands of devout Sunni Muslim pilgrims every year during the months of April and May, making it very difficult for her to complete her scheduled aquafit training programs.

As part of the days-old ritual, Muslims are expected to rent apartments in the complex for one month at a time, taking seven laps in her pool each day.  The origins of the ritual are unclear, coming mainly from Ms. Bertrand's imagination.

Ms. Bertrand plans to spend election day at her swimming pool "for the last time."

Voters agree with party leaders: imaginary issues 1000 times more important than health, education

QUÉBEC CITY -- After four weeks of campaigning, voters seem to have agreed with Québec's four major party leaders that the most important issues facing Québec are imaginary turban-wearing policemen and hypothetical referendums, while health and education are by far the least important issues.

"I don't mind waiting in a hospital for 20 hours to be seen, as long as the doctor who sees me isn't wearing a turban," said a Patrick Sauvé, a one-legged man in the waiting room at Sainte-Justine Hospital, sitting beside his recently-severed leg.

"The only words I need to learn to read in school are "oui", and "non", said a Noémie, a 5-year-old child whose Commission Scolaire de Montréal school has been slated for closure next year.

Liberal leader Philippe Couillard said that he was pleased that Quebecers were focusing on imaginary issues rather than "divisive" real issues.  Premier Pauline Marois said that her biggest regret during the campaign was that she did not get to speak about the most imaginary important issue facing Quebecers, being the proliferation of Mahjong boards on public highways

Polls show CAQ leading among third-place parties

MONTRÉAL -- Polls show the Coalition Avenir Québec is making an end-of-campaign surge and is now leading among third place parties with only one day to go in the 2014 election campaign.

Coalition Avenir Québec started the campaign in third place but a late increase among francophone voters has propelled it into a solid third place.

Leader Francois Legault has hinted that his internal polls show the party in third place with the possibility of an surprise third-place showing.  His organizers, buoyed by recent polls, have secretly hinted that they are hoping for a strong third-place showing on April 7.

Bureau-Blouin gets back to working on university essay: "How I spent the last three semesters off"

LAVAL-DES-RAPIDES -- Former student leader and MNA for Laval-des-Rapides, Léo Bureau-Blouin is spending the remaining days of the campaign brushing up his undergraduate honours essay, "How I spent the last three semesters off."

Bureau-Blouin, who had not yet completed his studies, was elected as an MNA in the October 2012 election.  However, with polls showing a significant Liberal lead in the Laval suburb where he was previously elected, Bureau-Blouin realized that he needed to hand in his essay in order to get late credit.

"Normally, the professor would take half a grade point off for each week the paper is late, but since I am now 75 weeks late, I am hoping that he will make an exception."

Bureau-Bloui was a law student before becoming an MNA.  The working subtitle to his essay is currently: "The Difficulty of Discerning Legistlative Intent When MNAs Have No Idea What Month It Is."

To avoid gaffes, Couillard's beard to fill in for Couillard for rest of campaign

LAVAL -- In a move designed to minimize the Liberals' chances of losing its large lead in the polls, Philippe Couillard will be represented only by his beard for the remaining two days of the campaign.

Couillard's beard has been remarkably consistent throughout the campaign, while Couillard himself has committed several gaffes and reversed his position on several issues.  Polls have found Couillard's beard to be most trustworthy among voters on the issues of education, transport and the environment.

PQ critics have accused Couillard of hiding behind his beard at seeveral points during the campaign, particularly during the TVA debate where the Liberal leader's facial hair was found to be much more interesting for viewers than Couillard himself.

Marois expects huge PQ turnout in hometown Ile-Bizard

ILE-BIZARD -- Pauline Marois is counting on a huge turnout of voters in favour of the Parti québécois from her hometown of Ile-Bizard, where she and her husband lived for many years.

Ile-Bizard, in the west island of Montreal, is known as a sovereigntist hotbed.

"I think Mrs. Doucet and her husband vote for the PQ, I don't know," said Dorothy Miller, an Ile-Bizard resident.  "It must be them, because they vote at the same school I do and there were two "Yes" votes in 1995."

A strong turnout of PQ supporters in Ile-Bizard could propel the sovereigntist party into at least fourth place in the west island riding of Nelligan.

Option nationale still exists, says some obvious liar

SAINTE-FOY -- Some obvious liar sent a press release to Québec's news media yesterday claiming that the short-lived Option nationale party, which promote immediate Québec independence and contested one election in 2012, was still in existence and running candidates in the April 7 election.

Experts immediately dismissed the press release, noting that it was impossible for a party which got 2% of the vote only 18 months ago to be running again without anyone noticing.

"That's ridiculous," said Charles Leblanc, political science professor at Université de Montréal.  "The leader that started the party quit politics.  How could a one-person party like that still exist?"

"We would have obviously heard something," said Nathan Lemieux, a sociology lecturer at Concordia University.  "They couldn't have flown completely under the radar during this lackluster election, especially when everyone started talking about independence for no reason."

Legault forms transition team, to transition from irrelevant to pointless

MONTRÉAL -- Coalition Avenir Québec leader François Legault announced that he has formed his transition team for the post-April 7 election period to help his party transition from an irrelevant third party to a pointless rump in the National Assembly.

Legault announced that the head of his transition team would be Mario Dumont, who helped his own party transition from a third party to a non-existent party in 2008.

Transition team duties will be to sell the party's furniture and to water the plants of defeated MNAs.